It’s Been a While…

…since I read an article which I could write a humourous response to, but thanks to Cosmopolitan online, I came across this article entitled Danger Phrases as well as Bad Ways to Get Over Him.

The former deals with being careful when a close friend begins a sentence with the phrases in bold print. My tongue-in-cheek replies in blue:

No offence, but… Oh joy, here we go again! She is going to  tell me that I should have worn the dark brown snakeskin boots instead of my sassy red heels…doesn’t she realize they’re just easier to take off in a moment of unadulterated lust?

Well, in my expert opinion…Well, you are not an expert are you?  If you were, you’d be rich because real experts charge by the hour, and they sit behind a desk, as opposed to lying spread-eagled, naked on top of it…

He seems like a nice guy, yet…there is something you just can’t get your finger on.  Yes girlfriend, he has red hair, he did experiment with the same sex in college, he is 10 years older than me, but believe me, he knows his onions – both in the kitchen and between the sheets.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I watch Tyra. And listen to weird “psychics”…

I had this bizarre dream about your relationship. If it involved strawberry cheesecake, space pods, Dr Who, elephants, champagne and Venice, I want to know all about it.

I’m not trying to tell you what to do. Still… you’re going to anyway.  Sorry, I wasn’t listening; I was too busy daydreaming about David Tennant doing unspeakable things to me.

This is going to sound crazy, I know…crazy is normal for you my friend, don’t worry.

Please don’t be furious, but…you took my Ferrari for a spin around town.  I know, my butler saw you, my pool guy saw you, my attorney saw you – even my dentist saw you.  Don’t you know that we live in a small town?

Heidi on The Hills was actually in a similar situation, and…Who?!

According to my psychic friend…is her name Tyra?

The second article is entitled Bad Ways to Get Over Him.

Decide to celebrate your new single status with an Under the Tuscan Sun holiday, but due to financial limitations, wind up on a trip that’s not filled with amorous foreign men, but kids screaming ‘Marco!… Polo!’ in your budget-hotel pool.

Rather go on a 5-day cruise.  It’s affordable, fun, as good as an Under the Tuscan Sun holiday and there are enough gorgeous, single, eligible guys on board to flirt, swim and get lucky with.  What’s even better is that what happens on board, stays on board.

Wallow in self-pity and listen to every song Chris Isaak has ever written.

Rather put on some feel good music like Walking on Sunshine, I’m Still Standing and I Will Survive.  After all, it’s his loss.

Get a cat… then two… then 30.

Having pets is expensive, especially 30 of them.  Rather spend some money on some sexy shoes, lingerie or a nice handbag.  All these things will come in very handy when you go on the cruise holiday.

Donate all the gifts he’s ever bought you to a second-hand shop, only to buy them back the next day.

Donate the stuff you really never liked in the first place, sell the really expensive stuff, use the money to buy some good wine or champers and have a bonfire with your girlfriends using the really cheap stuff he gave you for tinder.

Immerse yourself in new hobbies – drinking, smoking and staying out all night – until you not only forget about him, but also forget you have a job, leading you to show up at work in a cocktail dress and purple, sequinned stilettos.

If your boss is a woman, you could negotiate a no-warning-for the-stilettos…  not!

Indulge in retail therapy and buy a dress that’s so expensive you have to live without electricity for a month.

See – they talk about a dress here.  I said you should buy sexy shoes, lingerie and a nice handbag.

Leave him a message to let him know you’re so over him. Then, call a dozen more times to re-emphasise that you’re so over him so big time and you just wanted him to know for sure.

Girl, you can spend your airtime on somebody worth it.  Hell, the less calls you make, the more money you’ll have for the cruise and the accessories.

Rebound with a guy who looks just like your ex – except he’s five inches shorter and 50% balder.

Trust me, this one is right on the money.

Take a break from the tyranny of male standards of beauty by refusing to remove any of your body hair.

Hairy legs and armpits are not going to score you points when some virile twenty-something comes up to you with a margarita asking you to show him your tattoo in his cabin.

Show him you’ve truly moved on by sleeping with his best friend, his boss and the bartender at his favourite watering hole.

Best revenge if you live at the coast is to get some red bait, get his car’s hubcaps off and stick the red bait inside.  Alternatively parmesan cheese all over the engine works just as well.  The smell will be so bad that he will eventually have to sell the car – and we all know how men feel about their cars…

Emotional Day…

*Note that this post may contain some swearing*

I have only been awake 7 hours and already I have experienced a flood of emotions:

Anger

I seldom watch the news – there is inevitably something depressing to be heard, but I do follow certain columnists on the net, like my good friend Simon Williamson who is a freelance writer currently living in Hong Kong.  This morning when I was reading his latest column on News24.com I found a number of links on the same page pertaining to child abuse and/or rape.  Wanting to include something like this in my novel, I decided (against my better judgement) to read the articles (on an empty stomach).  Pardon my language, but WHAT THE FUCK is going on in this country, particularly in Kwa Zulu Natal?

The police shoot a man in the leg (again, WTF!?) after catching him in the act of raping a 7 year old little girl.  They should have shot the fucking piece of shit dead!  What kind of life is that little girl going to have.  She is going to be traumatized for life.  Therapy can only help so much.

Another story tells of a nanny who raped the 5-year old little boy in her care!  She has finally been sentenced to life imprisonment (which our taxes are paying for!) after she was arrested for this crime a year ago.

And the last one I could handle before I totally lost it was the story of a stepfather who is now on the run (fucking coward!) after being caught red-handed by his wife raping his 10 year old stepdaughter in the bed he and her mother share.

Satisfaction

Dinner last night was fabulous!  Despite it being a week night, my guests only left at a quarter to midnight! Everyone was very impressed with the food 🙂 which I was thrilled about (although I must admit that I nearly cremated the bruschetta!  Thank goodness I had enough French loaf left to make more).  There was quite a bit of chicken and couscous left over, so I have dinner for tonight too 🙂  The Italian kisses went down well, although I somehow managed to give Elizabeth only vanilla ones.  I don’t know how that happened.  Must have been all the wine I drank 😉

Sadness

It was Greg’s memorial service today, and while I only got to meet him briefly some years back, I went to the church service – Elizabeth was quite broken, but putting up a tough exterior.     Another friend of hers and Greg’s came all the way from Phalaborwa, along with a number of his military colleagues for the burial and the service.  Even though I didn’t know him that well, I got a huge lump in my throat when his colleagues did their eulogies.  Greg was only 40 and died of a heart attack.  The minister gave a comforting message, but even so, it is evident that he will be missed by many.  I can’t begin to imagine the heartache and pain his parents are going through.  The circle of life is meant to work that children bury their parents, not so?  Steph has also been dead for 7 months already 😦  Life is truly so short 😦

Regret

Jay has asked me not to blog about him or discussions between us, which I have not, out of respect for his wishes.  But I feel like a right royal doos – he sent me an email last night and I over-reacted to something he said and immediately sent back a bitchy, uncalled-for reply.  I don’t know what the hell came over me.  My conscience was still plaguing me way after midnight that I eventually got out of bed and mailed him an apology.  Fortunately Jay has accepted my apology, but it doesn’t make me feel any less of a doos.

Joy

On a happier note, it’s one of my closest friends, Kelly’s birthday today.  We have been friends since 1993 when we in Standard 6 together.  Even though we live in different parts of the country, we are still close and talk often.

Picture courtesy of http://lizandbeccabake.blogspot.com/

Kelly Darling, here is wishing you a wonderful day and a new life year that only offers the best of the best!  Remember that life is short, so savour every moment.   Remember the good, forget the bad and keep whatever makes your heart smile.  I love you lots!

Tonight I am going to Elizabeth – she asked me to come around; in actual fact she didn’t give me much of a choice:

“Are you coming to visit tonight?  Yes you are.  Okay, see you later…”

I think it is going to be another late night – the only real cure for a sad heart is your friends, wine and hope that tomorrow will hold better things.

 


 

Curiouser, and Curiouser…

…is what Valentine’s Day has been for me.  I feel like I have been abducted by aliens.  Seriously, WTF is going on?!

For the first time since I have been on the anti-depressants, or as I like to refer to them, my anti-mental pills, I hit a really bad downer.  I have been teary, irritable, heart sore, hopeless, bitter and angry the entire day.  Not knowing how to deal with this sudden rush of well, depression, I trotted off to town and had lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in ages.  I let rip and she sat there, totally engrossed in what I was saying and proceeded to do what most of my friends do when I am on the brink of an apoplectic fit – she shoved a double thick milkshake in front of me and told me everything would be okay.

I needed some advice on another issue and because I needed an honest, insightful answer on the male psyche I gave Allan a call.  The first words out of his mouth were, “Happy Valentine’s Day Honey Child!” and I nearly burst into a flood of tears.  I told him that it has been a really crap day (it would have been whether it was Valentine’s or not).  He was the first person to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day which just added insult to injury.  I have wished a number of people, getting the obligatory replies back.  He was relaying his advice when the wonderful invention of call waiting signaled a call waiting – from the West Coast.  I don’t know anyone there, so I ignored the call, thinking that if it was important the caller could leave a message.  He did, but more about that in a moment.  Allan gave me the insightful, honest answer I was looking for, as well as advice on how to handle the sensitive matter at hand.  I rang off feeling a bit better, but I’m still second guessing myself a bit.  I think I will have an indulgent Glenfiddich 12 year tonight.  Maybe that will give me the “oh fuck, who cares” attitude I need to get through this dip.

Anyhow, back to the mystery caller…”Hi MTM, it’s Morris here.  Morris Benjamin, not sure if you remember me.  Please give me a call at xxx xxx xxxx.  Thank you.”  I think to myself, “Okay, uhm, WTF?!  Who??”  True as nuts, when I logged into FB, I see an invitation from this chap, san profile pic (not helpful if I don’t remember you!) and then a message too…”Hi, it’s me, Morris.  Randolph’s friend from Cape Town…”  Still not having a clue who this bloke is, I rang up Elizabeth who was able to vaguely jog my memory.  I don’t know what he wants but if it’s important, he can call back.  From what is stored in my hazy memory, he was a somewhat strange (read scary-strange-weird-creepy) character…

Also, of all the songs that could be stuck in my head, it would have to be the Beatles’s “Blackbird”.  And then I heard the Rolling Stones’s “Paint it Black” and KT Tunstall’s “Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree…”  WTF?  Red is the colour of love, not black…

Although, come to think of it, Black is the colour of my spirit today, so maybe that’s why those songs stood out more for me today.

Curiouser, and Curiouser…