Weekend Wins; Healing’s (Slowly) Happening

I very seldom check emails on a weekend, so when I got into work today, I quickly scanned through my inbox, noticing that someone had commented on my previous post.  I haven’t had this person comment before, but I was deeply touched by his/her kind words, because it confirmed that my putting my feelings out there did help – maybe not someone else, I don’t know, but it helped me, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.

Blog Comment

It also inspired me to write about where I am vs where I was last week.

It’s been a week since I spoke up about my relapse.  In that time, as short as a week is, there has been improvement.  The only thing not going as well as I’d hoped is sleep restoration; whether the meds are not working as they should, or I’m going to bed too early I’m not sure, but most nights, before 21:00 I’m exhausted and so I sleep.  0300 I’m awake again and I try to force myself back to sleep, telling myself stop thinking about whatever you are.  It’s three in the morning!  Even if you could do something about it, now is not the time!  Sometimes it’s easy. Most times it’s not.

Yesterday was the first time since my relapse that I didn’t cry.  In my book, that’s a win.  I’m not discounting the cathartic properties of tears – I’m just tired of bawling my eyes out at a song on the radio, a mere sentence in a book or during my morning shower because the prospect of another day is simply too daunting.

This past weekend I ventured out of The Cave (which is what I affectionately call my flat, because it doesn’t get much light and when going into the back rooms, the lights must be switched on) and attempted to be part of social activities with group dynamics.

I was off on Friday, so made plans with Harriet for lunch.  In my half-awake state, I got the time wrong and ended up at the mall an hour early.  I walked through every single shop in the mall before I met up with her.  I was a bit nervous because of all the people milling about, but I didn’t do my nut, like I did in the pharmacy the day I was discharged from the hospital.  I had a healthy meal – admittedly I couldn’t finish it.  The meds suppress my appetite, so I took what I didn’t eat home and ate it later.

Chicken Salad

Warren and his wife, Lara, are visiting from their new home which is 1100 Km (683 miles) away.  As they’re only visiting a few days, and have many friends here, the plan was to meet at a local restaurant on Friday night and catch up.  There were quite a few people at the table when I arrived, but being the amazing people they are, they did the rounds to chat with everyone.  I had told Warren I wouldn’t stay long and sent him my previous post to outline why.  He understood.  I lasted a little more than ninety minutes before the noise and people got too much for me to handle and my hands started to shake.  I felt overwhelmed and anxious and made a beeline for the exit.  I’m not sorry I went; it was great to see them both, the view of the Bay at night was breathtaking and I pushed my limits a little.

MSB by night

Saturday morning, I popped in at Carmen for a quick cup of tea.  It wasn’t a long visit because she and Ewan had plans, as did I with Harriet.  When Harriet arrived at The Cave, we took a walk to the local church fête, but by the time we got there (both of us were slow out of the blocks that morning) all that was left to buy was second-hand books.  Not a problem for either of us, because we are total book sluts.  And at R2 (US $0.15) a book, we went a little overboard.  Afterwards we stopped at the vetkoek (a South African food made from deep-fried dough and filled with anything from curried mince to cheese to jam to marmite to chicken-mayo and anything in between!) and went down to the beach where we sat on a bench watching the people taking in the summer sunshine.

Beach

The rest of the day I spent in The Cave, on the couch with The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules by Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg, which I’d started the afternoon before.  I read until my eyes felt like the entire beach had been blown into them.  The book is so funny in parts that I laughed out loud – for the first time in a long while.

Book

Yesterday I took my folks out for lunch to a place that’s been around for yonks, but that we’ve never been to.  Rustic, but with fabulous fare.  I got a little sunburnt too, because we sat outside, but the warmth on my skin did me well.  A little calcipherol never hurt anyone, now did it?  It also did them good to get out of their flat a bit, because they’re quite isolated where they live.  An old friend, Stan, also happened to be in town for the night on business, so I popped by one of the beach bars and we had a quick drink – well he did, I had club soda.  We haven’t seen each other in going-on four years, but both of us were knackered, so the visit was quick.  I finished the book last night, intent on finding another one in the series.  Laughter is good, cheap medicine.

Tonight I’m going to the gym, but not to train.  I am not in that frame of mind yet.  I’m just having a fat percentage test done because I’m a little concerned that I’m melting away.  I haven’t needed to wear a belt in ages to keep my jeans up, and now it’s on the furthest hole from the buckle…BUT I’d rather have that, than pick up a huge amount of weight like I did the last time.  My appetite will eventually come back.  I just have to keep eating, albeit like a bird.

I’m not sure when I’ll post again because I am trying to focus on me and my recovery.  All I can say at this stage is thank-you to each one of you that reads my ramblings.

Until next time…

Triple F – First Fabulous Friday…of 2013

Woke up this morning to cool weather!  What a blessing after the extremely hot days we’ve had recently – and no, I’m not complaining about the heat, because if it hadn’t been so hot, I wouldn’t have got to go to the beach…in my sassy, new, blue bikini 😉

Now, many of you know that I lost 15 Kg (33 lb) last year when I wrote this post.  Well, I’ve lost a few more Kg’s and it was finally time to show off my new curves at the beach.  Not only am I looking gorgeous (okay, granted, I need to work on the tan a bit), but I’m also feeling so great.  Like I said, in 2013 I am going to be more positive.

Blue Bikini

I did get a bit of colour (mainly on my shoulders and back), and for it to last, I can’t stay in the sun for hours, nor be in the sun every day, so that’s why I’m thankful for the cooler weather…so I’m not tempted to overdue things.

Later this afternoon I’m off to have coffee with Carmen and another friend of ours, Mary, whom I haven’t seen for ages!  She is back off to varsity early next week, so this catch-up is going to be fabulous, I just know it!  It’s the last weekend before I go back to work, so I’m going to make the best of it (and finish James Patterson’s Zoo (it’s one of the books I bought last year.  Yes, I’m already working on my 2013 bucket list).   Monday it’s back to the routine (which I’m glad about too, I haven’t been in the gym as much as I’d have liked while I’ve been on holiday, but I have to drive past there on the way home from work every day, so I don’t have an excuse NOT to go…) I’m looking forward to going back to work, to seeing my colleagues – after all, they’ve become special friends too.

Whatever you and yours do today, make the best of it – be grateful for everything and don’t forget to smile!

Refreshment for the Soul…

Mom and Dad left in the camper yesterday to the Bontebok National Park situated just outside of Swellendam.

Given the fact that I had some time to myself, I trotted off to Woolies and stocked up on my three favourite things chocolate, cheese and cookery magazines.  I bought full cream chocolate milk, chocolate mousse cupcakes, chocolate peppermint cupcakes, a cheese platter, Taste, Food and Home Entertaining and the Ideas magazine.  Ironically I didn’t get to indulge in any of them because by the time I left town, I was in the mood to have a home-cooked meal and watch DVD’s.

I stopped at the local DVD shop and rented The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (I love Nicholas Cage and magic, so this was like killing two birds with one stone), Eclipse (Rachel nearly had a heart attack when she heard that I still hadn’t seen it) and Eat, Pray, Love. Once at home, I popped all the indulgences in the fridge and heated leftover leg of lamb, rice, concertina potatoes, roast Mediterranean veges and a stuffed gem squash for a late-lunch-early-dinner which I ate off a tray, followed by the tricolour surprise dessert I made for Mom and she didn’t want.  Even if I had wanted to eat some of my Woolies goodies, I was just too full…

While having a tri-movie marathon seemed a fabulous idea at the time, it left me with a seriously sore head 😦  I switched off the light just after ten and woke up after eight thirty this morning, my head still pounding.  I would not have minded if I had had wine, but I hadn’t.  (I have made a mental note to drink wine in future…)

I went into town again this morning to take stuff through to Aunty Carol and Uncle Barry who will be making the trip to Bontebok National Park later today to join my parents.  Not being in too much of a hurry to come home, I mosied around a local clothing store and bought myself a funky floral top and a sleeveless short cabled cardigan for Elizabeth (I hope she will like it – if she doesn’t then I will keep it for myself).  Then I popped into Woolies again, bought myself a chicken wrap and a salad and ate it down at the local beach.  The weather is fabulous, despite a few dark clouds looming…

Isn’t this just the ideal setting for a solitary lunch, to refresh the soul?

Well, I’m back home now, feeling heartbroken for Elizabeth who has just let me know that a close friend of hers, Greg has died from a heart attack 😦

We have plans to go out for dinner tonight and while I’ve tried to convince her it might be better to stay in, she is adamant that she wants to go.  I have a feeling I may be having breakfast on the beach tomorrow morning too.